Let’s Talk Taboo

If you’re looking for a funny post, this isn’t going to be one.

I half thought about trying to find a picture of a man with a horse saddle on & a woman wearing spurs to get your attention, but the fact is – this taboo is one that’s near and dear to my heart.¬† One that shouldn’t be perpetuated and one that happened to ME.

No it’s Not!

SUICIDE

 Yes, this HAPPENED TO ME not once, but twice.

It doesn’t matter that I’m among the living – it’s the living part that hurts.¬† The living with the pain of the loss, the confusion and the guilt.¬† For those who’ve left us – their pain is gone.

They may be the victims at their own hand, to end their own lives – but it’s truly those left behind who are the real victims.

The ones left with the pain and the guilt.¬† The ones grasping at straws wondering why they didn’t see it coming.¬† Wondering why this person they loved so much didn’t know how much we loved them – or why they didn’t trust us enough to talk to us.¬† What we could have possibly done differently.¬† Why?

This pain happens to US.

This pain happened to ME.  Twice.

My Dad 8/8/42 – 3/28/85 – He was 42

My dad committed suicide when I was 18 years old.¬† To this day, I don’t understand it.¬† He didn’t leave a note of explanation – nothing.¬† I was daddy’s little girl.¬† The one he told every day that I was his reason for living.

What did I do wrong that one day he decided I wasn’t worth it anymore?

He didn’t get to see me get married.¬† He never saw me become a mother.¬† He never got to know my children.¬† So many mile stones that my dad was not here for.

I was his little girl, and he left me.  His choice.

My Brother 9/9/68 – 8/24/07 – He was 39

My brother took his life almost 5 years ago.¬† He also didn’t leave a note of explanation.¬† He was engaged to a beautiful girl, they were planning their wedding & then poof – just like that it was over.

We had a crappy childhood, but I was so proud of him.¬† He overcame so much.¬† His suicide was worse for me because he and I weren’t speaking.

I wasn’t there for him.¬† I never had a chance to reach out to him, to help him – to tell him I loved him.¬† It was just over – gone.

¬†It doesn’t even matter if any of what I just said is the actual truth – these are the feelings left behind.¬† The feelings of guilt that don’t go away.¬† EVER!

I understand that suicide is said to be a form of mental illness, and I do truly believe that.¬† It wasn’t my first rodeo with my brother, it was just the one I wasn’t able to prevent.¬† He had tried several times before.¬† I was just able to prolong the inevitable in earlier days – to look out for him, as big sisters do.¬† I’d felt like a failure to let him slip away & leave his son, his fiancee – all of us.

¬†I’ve tried to understand – to wrap my head around it and I just can’t.

I’ve been very, very, very sad in my life – especially with these two losses.¬† I’ve lost in love.¬† I’ve lost things I don’t even want to be public with.¬† I’ve been to rock bottom, but I’ve never once wanted to die.¬† Even at my lowest moment¬†¬† I may have uttered the words in a moment of distress – but no real plan ever entered my mind.¬† I never went against my nature to survive.¬† I can’t conceive of it – it’s not in my make up.¬†

This is not a badge of honor.¬† It is not for sympathy or empathy that I write this blog today.¬† It’s my want and need to stop this from happening to another person.

This is not just for those of us who have encountered a suicidal person – but for the suicidal person.

Please read my words, read my pain – because in the end, the pain and confusion that you suffer as someone contemplating suicide gets passed on to the people you leave behind.

PLEASE get help!

If you can’t love yourself enough to want to stay, then PLEASE love the people you will leave behind enough to not leave them with this pain.¬† They will not get over it.¬† My dad has been gone 28 years.¬† I’m NOT over it!

Please find your instinct to survive and to overcome.

Today, there’s nothing that I can do to bring back my dad or my brother.¬† All I can do is take my pain and use it to try to help someone else.¬† I hope like hell that I have.

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

If you, or someone you know is feeling depressed or suicidal, please contact the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:  http://www.afsp.org/